#1 Reasons Your Boundaries Don’t Work

Boundaries are the love letters we give to ourselves. They help us navigate a world that can be harsh and terrifying. I state often that Black women do not have a challenge with creating boundaries we have a challenge when implementing boundaries. We stretch ourselves to make our selves palatable and others comfortable at work, home and even in our houses of worship. We don’t want to be seen as too angry, too aggressive, too emotional or too needy.

We define acceptable treatment for us through boundaries. They help us by protecting our energy, time, and emotional well being. When struggling with boundaries you grapple with believing you are worthy of being treated with kindness, fairness, love and respect. You weigh your own self and find you lacking. The number one reason your boundaries don’t work is because you don’t feel you have the right or permission to have them.

That might be a hard pillow to swallow, but it’s okay. We are giving ourselves grace. As the newly minted Ancestor Nikki Giovanni said ” Show me someone not full of herself, and I’ll show you a hungry person.” You have to be so full of yourself that you automatically protect your energy, time and emotional well being.

How to start setting a boundary:

1. Tap into your body sis. When you are in certain places or with certain people how does your family feel? Are your shoulder tense or do you clench your jaw. I once had a friend that would give me headaches. Whenever I was around them for extended periods of time I would always have a headache. My body knew something, that I did not want to recognize.

2. Keep a journal. Journaling is a beautiful way to identify patterns within your life. We are busy and sometimes we forget things. Every evening do your best to write out what happened in your day. At the end of the week check to see if any patterns occur. You can use those patterns to identify where you need to implement a boundary.

3. Practice saying no. I know this may seem odd, but it is true. Practicing saying no without explaining yourself. You know how you feel or what you have the capacity to handle. Practicing can make it easy to say no without the guilt you might feel. We practice to improve, not to be perfect.

If you are finding it hard to start this journey know you are not alone. From a young age we are taught that boundaries do not exist for people we care about or for some authority figures in our lives. We have to deconstruct a lot of harmful rhetoric and it states time, commitment to self, knowledge, and a a community. I am hosting the first Ohexperience ® Reinvention Intensive for 2025 in Downtown Baltimore on January 4. If what you just read resonated with you join us,  If you are not in Baltimore, but still interested please think about joining our private community with the same link.

Although many don’t write love letters anymore you still can. You can write a love letter to yourself every time you implement your boundaries. You are never too much of anything to the people that love and care about you. You deserve kindness, consideration, love and respect simply because you exist.