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6 years in the making
*TRIGGER WARNING*
Facebook does an amazing job of reminding you where you were when your life changes. Sometimes for the better and sometimes it could have been the worst day of your life.
6 years ago today my life changed dramatically. I was living in my own Lifetime Movie. I was driving home to Baltimore and was in a major car accident. Two weeks prior I had miscarried twins.
My car was clipped and I spun out across 4 lanes of traffic. I flipped and the only thing that saved me from continuing to flip was an exit sign on the highway.
Shook doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings. The car had to be stabilized and I had to crawl out the broken back window. When I saw my car, I couldn’t believe I was able to walk to the ambulance.
After I got over my shock I was mad as shit. I had just paid off that damn car the month before and had a full tank of gas. Now my car was totaled.
To round this all out I found out, that same day, my ex-husband had betrayed me and was on a cruise with someone else. The only word I can use to describe this time in my life is numb.
Healing Takes Time
I choose myself after 6 months.
I forgave myself after 2 years.
It took me 3 years to love myself.
It has taken 6 years to get me to this point in my life where I truly feel grateful to me, for not giving up on me.
Facebook reminded me today with this post that it has taken 6 years to get here.
Healing from multiple traumas takes time. It’s not a one-size-fits-all. Some people never truly heal. They just learn to live in a perpetual state of survival.
I could have done that. I wanted more for myself.
Whomever you are I want more for you. I want you to move into your version of thrive mode. I want you to know it is possible. Yes, there will be challenges, but the rewards are so much sweeter.
I want you to know I know you can do it. It has taken me 6 years to get here.
If you are interested in learning more about my story and starting your journey on self-healing start here.
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Juneteenth Remembrance -Rest
Juneteenth remembrance should be a day of rest. Rest is something that I have had problems with. Burned out does not even begin to describe how I felt being an educator and a business owner. The bags under my eyes, my skin, and my body all told the story. Trying to be my Ancestor’s wildest dreams I forgot that their major dream was to rest. To have a choice on when to work. Working hard is ingrained into our DNA. I am making a choice to not only rest in remembrance of Juneteenth, but to rest when my body tells me to.
Our Ancestors wildest dream was to rest.
Our Ancestors wildest dream was to laugh without punishment.
Our Ancestors wildest dream was to create just for themselves.
Our Ancestors wildest dream was freedom.
When we hustle hard, push through, and make a way we are only honoring one part of our Ancestors dreams. Today take time to rest in their honor. Take time to call family and friends to check in. Take time to create. Take time to do anything that gives you pleasure.
How are you honoring your Ancestors today?
The Juneteenth Affirmation is from Julia Mallory, Black Mermaids
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Finding Freedom in Your Own Body
A few weeks ago I joined Clubhouse after swearing I wasn’t going to do it because I am team Android. Many of the business womxn I know told me it was made for me and my message. I got on and whoa! It was like the damn Wild West on this Clubhouse streets. I was not impressed and was really ready to chuck the duces and keep it moving. After more exploration and really cultivating my interest, I think I kinda got the hang of it now.
A few days into my journey I ran across a room for photographers and decided to join because the title of the room was Purpose and Positivity in Photography. I listened for a while and then decided to get bold and raise my hand to go on stage. I did this because representation matters. As I recall there was only one person of color on the stage. I got on stage talked my shit, answered a question or two, and left.
I received so many messages and follows after this. Amazing messages thanking me for getting on stage and how much it meant to see me there. I was even invited to be apart of a podcast! There will be times when you are uncertain about what you are going to say, but you know you need to speak up. Always speak up, because you never know who is listening and who you inspire.
LISTEN TO THE PODCAST EPISODE HERE:
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A year in review
Whew child! 2020 has been a year where I have stepped fully into damn myself. No longer worried about what others think of me and how I express myself. It has been a year for telling my story on my own terms. Embracing my spirituality and growing into my relationship with my Ancestors. Realizing that I have to be honest with myself, even when it hurts. Healing is a journey, even when you think you are finished, there is always more.
This year has also been the year for asking for help and building community. Being dependent on others and allowing people in has been a struggle. Not just a struggle, but a strug-gleee! Past trauma does that to us if we are not careful. Our past will show up in the present as self-sabotaging behavior or imposter syndrome and we don’t even realize it. I am grateful to my Ancestors and the Creator that amazing sister-friends are in my life who give it to me straight, no chaser! The end of 2020 has been emotional, but very much needed. A purge of my past to bring forth the love, sisterhood, and abundance I deserve.
Now that, that is out of the way, this has been a year of self-portraits for me. Honestly, it has helped me be a better boudoir photographer when I practice posing. It has also helped me get in touch with my inner goddess, sensuality, and sexuality. Check out my Tulum selfies here. My phone has been my self-portrait camera, but I decided to take it up a notch and use my baby with it’s self-timer. I plan to make this a monthly personal project and at the end of 2021 see my progression. Enjoy and Happy New Year!
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Fearless and 35
Fearless and 35! 34 did not end how I thought it would… in a damn pandemic! I didn’t let it stop me, but propel me to plan. Every year I plan to do something that challenges or is out of the ordinary for me. Before my 34th year ended I did three things, that were out of the ordinary for me. I traveled solo to Tulum, Mexico, and relaxed like I have never relaxed before. I did nothing, but read, ate, and got massages. I even had time to do an affirmation video that you can check out on my IG TV . I did travel to Greece solo, but this trip I was actually by myself. No meetups planned, just me.
I logged out of social media and enjoyed my company. I sat outside and listened to the roosters be loud as hell. I ate tacos and drank tequila. I walked the streets of Tulum and even went to the beach. Going to the beach was so freeing. I stuffed my face and me and my big belly walked right to the ocean. I felt at peace.
Check out my mini self portraits I took during the trip.
The second thing I did was get my nose pierced! I was scared shitless for sure, but I did it. I even had to do it twice because it fell out a week after I got it the first time. That was not fun and I do not recommend it.
The third thing I did was have a boudoir experience with Celeste Patrice Boudoir. Whew child Celeste got me and I felt like a damn goddess. I was even able to help her by modeling with a friend for a couples experience. I cannot wait for the adventures I plan to take during 35! What are some things you plan to do this year by stepping on the other side of fear? Will you be fearless and free at any age?
